Buddies

: The failure by others to use a turn signal, the need to exercise, hope, commercialization, when the television tells him what he wants and what he has to do to get it, the performance of the Detroit Lions, his complete insecurity, his loss of friends, his absent moral center, when people point out his accidental orientalism, women, men, politics, money, the future, anything that in any way impacts his life

: Most of Bill’s actions are driven by spite. He was denied a security clearance because he stole sandwiches from his employer in college. He has never successfully initiated a long term relationship in which he was involved. He keeps all of his stuffed animals from childhood in storage, because they were his only friends and he can’t abandon them. In fact, it makes him sad just to think about them in storage. As an adolescent, he used to watch televised surgery with dinner each night. Bill is an amazing cook. He has begun three different novels (each now totaling over 200 pages) but completed none of them. He does poorly on standardized tests. In high school, he used to drink white Russians alone at night while he studied physics. Nobody truly believes that he has a sweet, creamy center. Bill is an Aquarius on the cusp of Capricorn.

Aaron	Hometown: Berea, Ohio Current Residence: Seattle (“A delightful liberal bastion filled with computer geeks and queers”) Family: Bob and Anne Marie, Jason, Tate Alma Mater: Rochester Institute of Technology (Computer Science) Likes: Fancy mustard, fast cars, funny t-shirts Dislikes: Starbucks and its delicious, pervasive corporate presence (except when he’s drinking it), Microsoft and its creepy, all-knowing existence (except when he’s working there), fitted sheets, Fox News Fun Facts: Aaron once broke someone’s nose by kicking a volleyball into their face. His family constructed a black wrought iron fence around their house and yard, and it is commonly referred to as the Addams Family Fence. He is unable to interface with schedule-based public transport. Aaron is a Libra. Telling Quote #1: “I lean toward keeping opinions to myself. Then again, I don’t have very many opinions to hide.” Telling Quote #2: “Being an informed citizen is not all it’s cracked up to be.”

Andrew	Nickname: CK1 Hometown: Longwood, Florida Current Residence: Washington Family: Shelley and Ed, Brad, Hilary, Cutis and Serena Alma Mater: Emory University (History) Likes: Gentiles (“They’re the only people I date”), drunk-dialing, drunk-texting, going out on weeknights Dislikes: Plantains (“Who the fuck eats plantains?”) Fun Facts: Andrew has an inability to digest significant amounts of lactose, the major sugar found in milk, owing to a shortage of the enzyme lactase in his small intestine. Not all people deficient in lactase have the symptoms commonly associated with lactose intolerance, but those who do are said to be “lactards.” During his senior year of high school, he was the president of the Macintosh User Group of Orlando. Shiksas beware. Andrew is a Libra.

Bill	Hometown: “Nowhere, though Washington essentially qualifies now” Current Residence: Washington Family: Kevin and Becky, Kitty, Mary Alma Mater: University of London School of Oriental and African Studies (Violence, Conflict, and Development), Georgetown University (International Political Science) Likes: Penicillin shots Dislikes: The failure by others to use a turn signal, the need to exercise, hope, commercialization, when the television tells him what he wants and what he has to do to get it, the performance of the Detroit Lions, his complete insecurity, his loss of friends, his absent moral center, when people point out his accidental orientalism, women, men, politics, money, the future, anything that in any way impacts his life Fun Facts: Most of Bill’s actions are driven by spite. He was denied a security clearance because he stole sandwiches from his employer in college. He has never successfully initiated a long term relationship in which he was involved. He keeps all of his stuffed animals from childhood in storage, because they were his only friends and he can’t abandon them. In fact, it makes him sad just to think about them in storage. As an adolescent, he used to watch televised surgery with dinner each night. Bill is an amazing cook. He has begun three different novels (each now totaling over 200 pages) but completed none of them. He does poorly on standardized tests. In high school, he used to drink white Russians alone at night while he studied physics. Nobody truly believes that he has a sweet, creamy center. Bill is an Aquarius on the cusp of Capricorn.

Brad	Hometown: Beaver Falls, Pennsylvania Current Residence: Philadelphia Family: Randy and Deb, Leighann, Lauren, Piper Alma Mater: Temple University (Medicine), Case Western Reserve University (Biology) Likes: Candy, alcohol Dislikes: Fat people, ugly people, old people, stupid people, people who cry at movies, stores without sale racks, Philadelphia attitude, babies who cry too much Fun Facts: Brad prefers to obtain his entire caloric intake from candy, and once ate seventy marshmallow Peeps in one hour. His wildest fantasy is to swim in a tank of Jelly Bellys, like Scrooge McDuck in money. He is known to be a super-sleuth when it comes to gossiping, including illegally breaking into records and making fake phone calls. Brad loves the Today show and Ann Curry in particular. He constantly smiles to show off his straight, white teeth, and others often interpret this as an expression of nonjudgmental friendliness. They are wrong. Brad is a Libra.

Brandon	Hometown: Philadelphia Current Residence: Philadelphia Family: Dennis and Susan, Maressa, Trieste, Brielle Alma Mater: Temple University and École nationale des ponts et chaussées (International Business), The Pennsylvania State University (History, Classics and Ancient Mediterranean Studies) Likes: Baby tees, Rock Band 2, protracted battles via Facebook status messages Dislikes: Girls, friends, teammates, the world Fun Facts: Brandon enjoys his role as an accessory to gay men (“Handbag”). He makes balsamic reductions at least once a week, and likes to tell people that it takes several hours, even when he knows this is a lie. He sleeps in his closet because it is dark and he likes darkness, and also because the visual of him in a closet makes sense. He wishes that he could become Indiana Jones in real life, except hotter and with an ambiguous male sidekick. He is frequently constipated, which makes him show the world a tortured expression that he calls his “game face”. Brandon is a Capricorn. Telling Quote: “What’s wrong with things that taste good? If that makes me gay, then I’m gay as hell.”

Caitlynne	Hometown: Berea, Ohio Current Residence: Las Vegas Family: Denise, Steve, Sean, Matthew, Rory Alma Mater: Virginia Marti College of Art and Design (Fashion Merchandising) Likes: Attention-getting outerwear and accessories, Red Bull, the Cleveland Browns Dislikes: Non-smoking areas Fun Facts: Caitlynne is fabulous and unafraid of letting everyone know it. Her gift giving is unpredictable but always lavish. Caitlynne is a Gemini.

Carrie	Hometown: Shawnee, Kansas Current Residence: New York Family: Joe and Jackie, Scott Alma Mater: City University of New York (18th-century novels and 17th-century print culture), Case Western Reserve University (English Literature, Writing History and Theory, 18th- and 19th- century novels) Likes: Flavorful vegetarian cuisine, introspection Dislikes: Liberal self-flagellation, “people who fail to recognize historical difference (i.e. the fact that ‘modernity’ refers not to Britney Spears or cell phones, but a fundamental awareness of the ethical and metaphysical difference between now and, say, Bible times)”, The New York Times Magazine Fun Facts: Carrie’s still trying to spread the Enlightenment, since certain people seem to have rushed past without taking it into account. She writes almost every day to make her mind stronger, bit by bit, until one day she’ll be able to lift a spoon from two meters away. She didn’t read Moby Dick until she was twenty-three. Virgil’s Microbrewed Root Beer is the only soda that she can stand. She is incapable of trapping a mouse. Carrie is a Virgo.

Cathy	Hometown: Columbia, Maryland Current Residence: Washington Family: Eddie and Tania, Moby Alma Mater: University of Maryland (Government and Politics) Likes: Liquor, Jello shots, pirate ships, administering Camp Cathy (Libby’s getaway destination), having a driver’s license, Secret Service agents Dislikes: Wicker furniture, connecting flights, dropping her electronic devices into buckets of alcohol, having to retake the driver’s test, children Fun Facts: Cathy can name all of the U.S. Presidents in chronological order. She sweats white wine. Cathy is a Taurus.

David	Hometown: Lancaster, Pennsylvania Current Residence: Moscow Family: Rose, Terry, Doug, Jackie Alma Mater: Harvard University (Government) Likes: Karaoke, “tequila por David,” the sound of his own handsome voice Dislikes: WAMU, Waco, last call Fun Facts: David spent much of his childhood in Pittsburgh. He remains a rabid Pittsburgh Steelers fan, and spends Sunday afternoons dressed in black and gold, waving a Steelers “Terrible Towel” while yelling at a television set. In his free time, he enjoys skiing or sailing, and no longer lives in sin. David is an Aries.

Dayna	Hometown: Coral Springs, Florida Current Residence: Washington Family: Matt, Janis and Tom, Noelle, Jack, Louie Alma Mater: Case Western Reserve University (Spanish and History) Likes: Advance planning, clear communication, league bowling, positive encounters at the dentist Dislikes: People that don’t leave messages when they call, people that are excessively happy, mustard, sandwiches Fun Facts: Dayna spent a year in Spain and is constantly plotting her return. She is also obsessed with Japanese postmodernism, religious mysticism, and her dog Jack. She can recite all of the books of the Bible — Old and New Testaments — in order. Her dreams are frequently extremely realistic and boring, which makes her think that they actually happened. She got married on 7/7/07, like everyone else IN THE WORLD. Dayna is a Scorpio.

Ginny	Hometown: Durham, New Hampshire Current Residence: Washington Family: Jan and Ted, Geoff, Thomas, Micky, Liesel, Penny, Bill, and Bob, Maeby and George Michael Alma Mater: Georgetown University (Government and Anthropology) Likes: Puppies, kittens, possibly bunnies, community organizers, televised religion, certified mail, ending poverty Dislikes: Hypocrisy, Crystal City Fun Facts: Ginny was born in a country that no longer exists. She is an avid consumer and distributor of celebrity gossip. She lost her last baby tooth on June 20, 2008, at the age of 27. She’s not anemic anymore! Ginny is an Aquarius.

Jeanette	Hometown: Louisville, Kentucky and Haymarket, Virginia Current Residence: Washington Family: Pat and Deb, Tommy and Tracy, Chance, Donal Alma Mater: Mary Washington College (International Affairs) Likes: Dance parties, road trips, pickles, wasabi peas, beer and all other delicious alcoholic beverages, cheese, hugging/spooning/motorboating, staring at people (ostensibly “people watching”, but it is really more of a stare) Dislikes: People talking to her when she’s reading on a plane, slow walkers, snakes, jumping spiders, camel crickets, pleated pants, salmon at breakfast Fun Facts: Jeanette like the way that I smell, a lot. Sometimes we kiss on the mouth, but not with tongue, even though I promised her this for my birthday (and then reneged). She has an insatiable desire to dance, and takes any opportunity to start a jig (e.g., new shoes). Jeanette is a Taurus.

Jeffrey	Hometown: Eastlake, Ohio Current Residence: New York Alma Mater: Case Western Reserve University (Psychology) Likes: Loungin’, relaxin’, The Game Show Network Dislikes: Artificial blue food coloring, the movements of small animals such as birds or fish (“you don’t know where it’s going next”), people that think that he is a “Geoff”, bitches Fun Facts: Jeff has an internal voice that admonishes him for misbehaving while stoned (“Jeff!”). He has learned and forgotten more math, chemistry, and physics than most people ever do, but chances are he will remember your birthday. His speech patterns are notoriously infectious and have been described as “viral.” He cries at cotton commercials (“The touch, the feel of cotton — the fabric of our lives…”) He once threw a “diaper party,” during which guests were required to fill their Depends at the ring of a bell. Jeff is a Leo. Catchphrases: “Excellent!”, “You’re ridiculous!”

Jim	Hometown: Hatfield, Pennsylvania Current Residence: Washington Family: Charlie and Shirley, Michelle Alma Mater: Temple University (Finance) Likes: Ice hockey, Philadelphia sports teams, video games, crossword puzzles, crafts, Michaels Dislikes: People who don’t use a turn signal Fun Facts: Jim is a Cancer.

Karen	Hometown: Louisville, Kentucky and Potomac, Maryland Current Residence: Washington Family: Mary Kay, Ron and Pati, Ann, Tony, Ben, Kate, Dawn, Debbie, Tucker (Tux), Beatrice (Bea) Alma Mater: Centre College (Psychobiology) Likes: Purchasing companies, Red Bull, Toby’s drummer Dislikes: Pro-lifers, Republicans, long pants that are too short, badly-shaped eyebrows, being pre-judged as a privileged snob, Bethesda Fun Facts: Karen’s net is infinitely large. Her car is a surge landfill for Montgomery County. Over the years she has acquired twelve nicknames, and was really sad when “Katrina” had to be retired in 2005. She initials her wine bottles so that her sister doesn’t steal them. Karen was a vegetarian for thirteen years, but has since become an insatiable carnivore. She may be responsible for making chain-smoking acceptable amongst all of her friends. Her current passion is making jewelry, but she does not recommend silver leafing… ever. She is building her empire. Karen is a Capricorn.

Katie	Nickname: Kwatt Hometown: Berea, Ohio Current Residence: Washington Family: Malcolm and Missy, Suki Alma Mater: Case Western Reserve University (Law), Centre College (International Studies and French) Likes: Power hours, NPR, podcasts, laws, public transportation Dislikes: Exercise Fun Facts: Katie is the fifth generation to have her first and middle names. She took a year off from school to have the adorable Kayla, and upon her return became known as “Cool Aunt Katie” because she was so much older than everyone else. She was also known for making very, very strong vodka drinks, and depending on her level of party-hardiness might be called “Katie Light” or “Katie Full Body.” Her natural facial expression is torpid/pissed off. (She knows this because strangers tell her “Cheer up” and “It’s not that bad, is it, baby?” ALL the time.) Katie is a whore. Telling Quote: “I don’t think I have a strong enough personality to have enemies.”

Kellie	Hometown: Hilliard, Ohio Current Residence: Cincinnati Family: Steve and Linda, Adam Alma Mater: University of Cincinnati (Medicine), Ohio Northern University (Biology) Likes: Sleep Dislikes: Being on call Fun Facts: Kellie does not allow her romantic partners to use an artificial lubricant, instead insisting that they “work for it.” If she judges someone to be a potentially unfit mother, she will try to tie her tubes while she is not looking. Kellie is a Gemini.

Kimberly	Hometown: Shelby Township, Michigan Current Residence: Minneapolis Family: Cathy and Bruce, RJ, Gizmo Alma Mater: Case Western Reserve University (Biomedical Engineering) Likes: Ice cream Dislikes: People that wear pants that are too short, the sound of styrofoam Fun Facts: Kimberly is not ticklish, but often pretends to be. In college, people regularly called her for homework help in classes that she was not taking. The TA once used her work as the answer key and referred any questions to her during a review session. She was pulled over for speeding while singing along to “Soak up the Sun,” and now she can never enjoy it again. Kimberly wants to be America's Next Top Model, but realizes that she is too old and not photogenic. Also, she is theoretically tall, but while sitting is shorter than her 5'3" cousin. One day she wants to own a small, black/brown, non-shedding puppy that she will name Raisin. She owns over twenty five hoodies. Kimberly is a Leo.

Kirsten	Hometown: Falls Church, Virginia Current Residence: Washington Family: Nancy and Moe, David, Alex, Kiko Alma Mater: The College of William and Mary (Government) Likes: People who use please and thank you often, always putting a napkin in your lap while eating (even if it is fast food), nicknames, affection, the beach, thank-you cards, champagne, RBVs, drinking games, Google Calendar, to-do lists, assigning everything an acronym, snail mail, lovebugs, Paulface Dislikes: People who spell “a lot [right way]” “alot [wrong way],” people who don’t tip well, people who are mean to her friends Fun Facts: Kirsten is half-Asian, but doesn’t look it, and a bad Asian, because she’s never been to Asia. She can play the violin, and has always dreamed of being a Supreme Court justice. To get around her apartment, she rides a giant Nathaniel Hawthrone named Moose. Kirsten is a Capricorn.

Kyle	Hometown: Berea, Ohio Current Residence: Athens, Ohio Family: Don and Cindy, Bryan, Nick Alma Mater: Ohio University (Management and Strategic Leadership) Likes: Gambling, the Food Network, “red drank” at the dining hall, the Premier League, expressing his considerable angst via exasperated sighs, watches, shoes, competitive sand volleyball, the Cleveland Cavaliers Dislikes: The North Face, people that ride their bikes on the road in the park, fat people, the gambling age being 21, not having his driver’s license, not having an iPod, loud ring tones, bad sequels to amazing movies, Michael Bay, working in food service Fun Facts: Kyle hasn’t seen any Lord of the Rings movies or Star Wars episodes 2 or 3, yet he often lies and say that he has, because who hasn’t? He eschews the concept of a best friend, instead preferring to maintain a group of people “that all have their specialization.” He once got so drunk that he blacked out around 2:30 and woke up eight hours later on a different floor of a friend’s house, wearing a different shirt, and not wearing any pants. He has no idea how these things happened. He was 17. Kyle is a Libra.

Lacy	Hometown: Rumford, Rhode Island Current Residence: Washington Family: Patty and Patrick (it makes for a very cute Christmas card), David and Joanne, Justin, Patrick (Christmas card gets cuter) Alma Mater: American University (International Communication, International Relations) Likes: Flip-cup, paychecks, clear requirements Dislikes: People that don’t put on their turn signal until the last minute, people that use the left lane as a travel lane and not a passing lane Fun Facts: Lacy’s other friends are a distraction — we all know it. Her Saturday night plans are continually thwarted by babysitting obligations. She frequently pretends to be Libby, but gets very offended when the two are actually confused. She frequently “works at home” on hangover days, and loves Chipotle more than most people should. Lacy is a Taurus. Telling Quote: “I just can’t go anywhere else — no one would understand me!”

Libby	Hometown: North Potomac, Maryland Current Residence: Washington Family: Ralph, Audrey, Suzy Alma Mater: Ohio Wesleyan University (Political Science, Sociology/Anthropology) Likes: Cheez-Its, Wheat Thins, Friday night sex night Dislikes: Tourists at the zoo, whole milk, nine-layer dip* Fun Facts: Libby is my favorite person, and vice versa. In a previous life she taught preschool children, but traded it all for the corporate world. She cries if there’s no pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving. Her family has taken a picture of her sitting in the trunk of every car they have owned. She played college lacrosse and is a certified aerobics instructor. Her breasts also function as a shelf. Libby is a Virgo. *She is allergic to onions, and requires a special eight-layer dip to be prepared for her at all times.

Mark	Hometown: Buffalo, New York Current Residence: Monterey, California Family: Lillian and Howard, Kate, Eric Alma Mater: University of California, Davis (Computer Science), Case Western Reserve University (Computer Science) Fun Facts: Mark’s hands are covered in little probing fingers capable of undoing buttons and zippers at a moment’s notice. Yet, they do most of his daily chores in plain sight, and no one even thinks twice about them. They are masters of disguise. His favorite primes are 222333 and 666777, and his favorite ice cream is dry toast. Mark ejaculates magic silver thread, the only substance capable of binding angels. He throws it away in tissues. His conception was an accident, and he aspires to make his family never stop regretting it. Mark thinks the term “children’s programming” is creepy, and he believes that GI Joe: The Movie should be remade, live-action, directed by David Cronenberg. He is incapable of love. Mark is an Aries.

Matthew	Hometown: Berea, Ohio Current Residence: Washington Family: Denise, Steve, Sean, Caitlynne, Rory Alma Mater: Ohio Northern University (Political Science and History) Likes: Flip-cup, Fox Sunday night, Zac Efron, Honey Bunches of Oats Dislikes: Twinks, alterna-gays, PIRG people that accost you on the street, houseguests that get mouthy and never leave, being held up at gunpoint, bad seasons of The Real World, Ghostface Killah, The Beach Boys, Protestant whiskey, Diet Coke Fun Facts: Matthew is very inclusive — it’s different now. He spent a year exiled in Florida watching The Golden Girls. He may or may not have a serious digestive ailment. His father got a really good deal on some gastric bypass surgery. Matthew is incredibly sensitive and compassionate, but you may not pick up on this, because he’s an asshole. He resents gay men referring to each other as “boys” because “it makes us sound like pedophiles.” His prostate talks with an Irish lilt (“Top o’ the mornin’ to ye”). Matthew is a national treasure.

Michelle	Hometown: Northern Virginia Current Residence: Washington Family: Camille (Cami) and Mike (Pops), PJ, Mike Alma Mater: American University (History), Colgate University (History) Likes: Sex, glass elephants, non-flavored vodka with club soda and two limes, hugs, watching lacrosse (college or pro), being right, historical house museums, Miller Lite poured into a Solo cup, drinking games (especially combo power hour/wizard staff), hugs, pandas, red pandas, polar bears (especially Knut), the Central Park Zoo, rock music from the 1990s, Venti Black Eyes, watching TV online, history (especially early American), movies, road trips, board games, funky earrings, thunderstorms, her mom, books (but mostly just chick lit and crime novels), travel magnets, three-day weekends, the beach, laughing, power squats, sex, walking, soup, colonial villages (especially Williamsburg), vintage stores for accessories, floating in water Dislikes: Snakes, grocery shopping, camping, salmonella, rudeness, dry-erase boards, the “ick factor” Fun Facts: Michelle had her first peanut butter and jelly sandwich after college… and loved it. Once, she called in sick on her first day of work to visit the zoo, because it was so nice out. (She caught the pandas at feeding time.) She vomits every Christmas Eve (“in anticatipation of Santa!”). Michelle is a Virgo.

Mike	Nickname: MLP Hometown: Fayetteville, New York Current Residence: Washington Family: James and Brenda, Kristen Alma Mater: Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University (Aerospace Engineering) Likes: His new motorcycle, IPAs, a glass of OJ first thing in the morning, rock music, skiing, canines Dislikes: Dirty elbows, political or religious debate, bad Mexican food, The Royal Tenenbaums Fun Facts: Mike is an Aquarius.

Nicole	Hometown: Perrysburg, Ohio Current Residence: Chicago Family: Jimmy, Dean and Denise Alma Mater: The University of Chicago (Chemistry), Case Western Reserve University (Chemistry) Likes: Really good deals on consumer electronics Dislikes: Coming in last place at trivia night, people that talk to their pets on the phone, people that claim to be a fan of a team but can’t tell you who’s on it, people that claim to be busy but never seem to be doing anything, the chemicals that she inhales every day that are turning her organs to goo, the fact that her cat is not a dog Fun Facts: Nicole’s hometown has multiple water towers. She becomes physically ill at the sound of gulping milk, and she does not eat meat off the bone. Her parents long maintained a fleet of Labradors, but are now converting to Golden Retrievers. Nicole is a Cancer.

Noelle	Hometown: York, Pennsylvania Current Residence: Washington Family: Carol and John, Drew Alma Mater: American University (Nonprofit Management), Connecticut College (History) Likes: Philanthropy, weird theatre, tofu tacos, SmarTrip, rice cookers, camping, group hugs, showtunes Dislikes: Time zones, people who pay for the bus in nickels, waiting in line at Safeway Fun Facts: Noelle lost to Christina Auguilera in a talent competition when she was nine. VH1 later tracked her down and interviewed her about the experience for Driven. She frequently runs into me around town while seeking water after a run, and I always provide it. Noelle is a Sagittarius.

Paul F.	Hometown: Prescott, Arizona (pronounced “press-skit”), a.k.a. P-Town, a.k.a. Biscuit Current Residence: Washington Family: Rob and Sandy, Mike, Tim Alma Mater: DePaul University (Political Science and History) Likes: Long walks on the beach, wet puppies, blondes Dislikes: Mean people, Nicolas Cage Fun Facts: Paul’s favorite quote is the last words of William “Buckey” O’Neil, one of Teddy Roosevelt’s Rough Riders and once the sherriff of his hometown. During the Spanish-American War, just prior to the famous charge up Kettle Hill, O’Neil was standing up, smoking a cigarette, and joking with his troops while under withering fire from the ridge. One of his sergeants shouted to him above the noise, “Captain, a bullet is sure to hit you!” O’Neil shouted back his reply: “Sergeant, the Spanish bullet isn’t made that will kill me!” He was then hit and killed by a bullet. In his defense, it was a German-built Mauser. Paul is a Gemini.

Paul G.	Nickname: PFG Hometown: Rockville, Maryland Current Residence: Washington Family: Skip and Lisa, Matthew, John, Kiko Alma Mater: Georgetown University (Biology) Likes: Good parking spots, mini binder clips, Jack Daniel’s, soup, Kirsten Dislikes: Religion, ultra socially conservative people, people with two first names instead of one first and one last name Fun Facts: He can snap his two pinky fingers. Paul is a Leo.

Peter	Hometown: Avon, New York Current Residence: San Francisco Family: Hans and Trisha, Becky, Maria, Tasha Alma Mater: University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign (Computer Science), Case Western Reserve University (Mathematics and Computer Science) Likes: A good green curry now and then Dislikes: Young people with full beards Fun Facts: Peter divides the world into three groups: stupid hippy liberals, subliterate troglodyte conservatives, and himself. He relishes any opportunity to assimilate into Indian culture, and may in fact think that he is brown. At one point, he had three citizenships (U.S., Canadian, and Dutch). His hometown is the source of all North American Cool Whip. Peter considers iPods and cameras to be disposable trinkets, and he frequently loses and replaces each. In photographs, he has exactly two possible facial expressions, both of them dumb. Peter is a Capricorn.

Rose	Hometown: Ada, Ohio Current Residence: Moscow Family: David, Peter and Jeanne, Albert, Peter, Joseph (All Catholic saints — her parents are good.) Alma Mater: George Mason University (Public Policy), Ohio Northern University (Public Relations, Spanish) Dislikes: “I hate the morning… more than I hate sin.” Fun Facts: Rose has abnormally short, fat thumbs. They are not proportional to her other fingers. Matthew makes fun of them — and it hurts. She brings discord to family events by appearing with her Jewish husband. Her dream is to start a club called “Hussies Who Fuck Smart Boys.” Rose is a Libra.

Sarah L.	Hometown: Hinckley, Ohio Current Residence: New York Family: Karen and Robert, Greg Alma Mater: The Cleveland Institute of Art (Technology and Integrated Media Environment) Likes: Mix CDs, period cuisine, ephemera Dislikes: Dogs that aren’t well trained; children that aren’t well trained; the smell of Manhattan in the summertime (like a corpse); commuting to an office; being told that she needs to get a job; the wicked, deceitful dog on the Bush’s Baked Beans commercial Fun Facts: Sarah’s loves old photographs, especially portraits of dead babies and children. She owns several pieces of taxidermy, and regularly searches for more on eBay. She can fit her entire fist in her mouth, which she has done as part of a performance piece. She has also been draped in hot dogs, escaped from fuzzy pink handcuffs, and eaten one of every animal at McDonald’s. She aspires to be a spectacle (“like Liza Minnelli!”) and is training herself to survive the Oregon Trail by typing “BANG” really fast. Sarah is a Capricorn. Telling Quote: “I don’t do ‘volunteer’ work.”

Sarah R.	Hometown: Rockville, Maryland Current Residence: Washington Family: Kate and Mike, Amy, Laura Alma Mater: Miami University (Journalism and Creative Writing) Likes: Plans and schedules, palindromes, calling her boyfriend “Jimothy” Dislikes: People that think they are good at flip cup but are not, people that don’t put toilet paper back on the roll, oscillating fans, misplaced semicolons, Rachael Ray, Virginia Fun Facts: Sarah’s favorite drunk food is ice cream, and she claims to have lost ten pounds on an all-ice cream diet in college. Her high school put on a yearly faux beauty pageant, with evening wear and an intro dance. Each club and sports team nominated one student to represent them. She was Miss Yearbook. Sarah is a low-flying skank bird.

Susan	Hometown: Berea, Ohio Current Residence: Seattle Family: Bob and Karen, Tate Alma Mater: University of Washington (Library Science), Case Western Reserve University (Psychology) Fun Facts: Susan used to exclusively eat foods made with butter, flour, and sugar, but now has a taste for grains, vegetables, meat (substitutes), and herbs and spices. She was once an English major, until she realized that she hated writing. Susan is a Scorpio. Telling Quote: “I don’t think I am [a bitch]… but if you told me I was I’d probably believe you.”

Tara	Nickname: Taradactyl Hometown: Cambria, Wisconsin Current Residence: Washington Family: Fred and Helen, Cole, Brianna, Susan Alma Mater: University of Minnesota, Twin Cities (Political Science) Likes: Eating, cooking, gardening, Thai green curry, prosecco, cheese, pop culture blogs, going to the dentist, hoodies, Russ Feingold Dislikes: Social conservatives, people that loudly chew food/gum or suck on candy in quiet places (when someone sits behind her on the Metro and chews gum, she has to move), commuting out of the District for work, spiders Fun Facts: One of Tara’s ancestors was kidnapped by Indians. She escaped, scalped several of them on the way out, and then received a monetary reward for the scalps. At least two statues of her in New England honor this achievement. Tara is an Aquarius.

Tiffany	Hometown: Hurst, Texas Current Residence: Dallas Family: Aaron, Ethan, Lillian, James and Debbie, Chris, Sean Alma Mater: Stanford University (Chemistry), Case Western Reserve University (Chemistry and French) Likes: Baby yawns and sneezes, preparing Indian food, anything made of glass (except the proverbial ceiling), not working in a lab, parenthetical expressions Dislikes: “Lazy pre-meds who want an A even though they are lazy and dumb and don’t deserve it,” California drivers Fun Facts: Tiffany’s family moved nine times while she was growing up, so she has childhood friends in Texas and high school friends in Ohio. She also may have spent several months in Illinois. She has an uncanny ability to retain movie trivia, and therefore is a highly desirable teammate for Scene It!. Her grandmother thinks that she looks like Sandra Bullock, but she may not know who Sandra Bullock is. Tiffany is a Scorpio.

Toby	Hometown: Berea, Ohio Current Residence: Washington Family: Gary, Nancy and Ron, Katie, Maeby and George Michael Alma Mater: The George Washington University (Political Management), Ohio University (Magazine Journalism) Likes: Cats, Netflix, saving Darfur, incisive questions that lead only to hard truths Dislikes: Republicans, Fox News, Ann Coulter Fun Facts: Toby does not like it when I surreptitously activate his seat heater, because it makes him think that he’s wet himself. He once got an unassisted triple play in tee-ball; people are still talking about it. Thinking about the last episode of The Wonder Years really gets him down. Toby’s feline namesake has three legs and loves to play in the fridge. He is the best Democrat ever, and does not fuck around when it comes to yard signs. He threw a party the day Ronald Reagan died.* Toby is a Capricorn. *The party was “already scheduled.”