“I’m not getting as much head as I’d like… I’m giving a lot of head, but he’s going to war…”
________
October 7, 2009

“Yes, she’s nubile, but I’m thinking more along the lines of impressionable…”
Bill visualizes my imaginary new assistant, Jenna
October 5, 2009

“I’m an artist! Fuck you all! … By the way, you need a new camera.”
Mickey
September 16, 2009

“I end up running into all these people that I know randomly, so I’m like the mayor of Brew at the Zoo!”
Michelle
August 21, 2009

“You know what I need tips on, honestly? Handjobs!”
________
July 25, 2009

Sean: “You got some sun on your face…”
Small child: (without missing a beat) “You have R. Kelly on your shirt!”
July 19, 2009

“There are children in this neighborhood. It’s not full of gays; it’s full of children.”
Lacy explains Tenleytown to me
July 6, 2009

Matthew: “Why would you think I would know that?”
Katie: “It’s just something that you expect people of a certain age and education level to know…”
Server: “Wow…”
June 22, 2009

“A lot of people want to come in, and a lot of people want to get off. There’s conflict there… but you have the upper hand.”
Metro operator as train pulls into Gallery Place–Chinatown
May 20, 2009

“k.d. lang’s ordering a high-maintenance drink – look, they’re using a flashlight to find the liquor!”
Matthew
April 8, 2009

“Hi guys! I really respect the uniform!”
Sexy cop Rose to actual police officers
October 31, 2008

“I’m a sloppy fuck! If I get a handjob, I ain’t buttoning up afterwards!”
Mickey on how he knew that Matt had fabricated the story about giving him a handjob while he was drunk
October 29, 2008

Kami: (referring to Mickey, very calmly) “Tell him if I don’t see him at kickball, I’m going to find him in Glover Park and fuck him.”
October 24, 2008

“I don’t think she’s unattractive… she’s not MY type…”
Andrew on his sister
October 16, 2008

Brandon: (commenting on my outfit) “He looks like he’s from Brokeback!”
Karen: “‘Cause you would know…”
Brandon: “Why? Because I’m a fan of cinema, madam?”
September 19, 2008

“No wonder ethnic people eat peppers so much! They’re so cheap!”
Denise
August 23, 2008

(We are in awe of Lindsay’s backseat minibar and accessories)
“It’s from all the tailgating. Everything I have is portable and drinking-related.”
Lindsay
August 16, 2008

“My favorite bum just got maracas! I’ve been double tipping him.”
Garth
August 8, 2008

Sarah L: “Do you know that I have a wishlist on Amazon?”
Mark: “Sure you do. You’re full of want, and you’d express that through technology.”
Sarah L: (excitedly, taking no offense) “It’s how you get what you want!”
July 19, 2008

“Ken almost dropped out [of the flip-cup tournament] because of the pressure. (death glare) I told him to man up.”
Karen
July 11, 2008

(Radiolab has just warned us about graphic content in the upcoming segment)
Me: “You can hit the pause button if you want.”
Ginny: “It’s like our… what’s that word?”
Me: “Safeword?”
Ginny: “Yes!”
July 3, 2008

“I have put my penis in enough assholes that I know where it’s supposed to go.”
Bill
June 14, 2008

Lacy: “I think after the first trimester you can have a glass of white wine once in awhile…”
Sarah: “It’s not enough!”
June 11, 2008

“Two years is my limit. If I have to have a freakin’ baby to get out of there, I will.”
Rose contemplates living in Dubai
May 3, 2008

“I was like, ‘I don’t want to be polite either, but that’s a lot of tongue!’”
Porter on her first kiss with Tom at their wedding
April 1, 2008

John: “You want to do a shot?”
Lacy: “No.”
John: “Yes.”
Lacy: “No!”
John: “Yes.”
Lacy: “No!”
John: “Yes.”
Lacy: (long pause) “What kind of shot?”
March 30, 2008

Me: “I love you. I want to bottle you and sell you!”
Michelle: “I want to tank you. I’m going to put you in a fucking tank!”
March 30, 2008

Michelle: “There’s something funky going on with my iPod…”
Bill: “The fact that it’s almost three years old?”
March 22, 2008

Sarah: “We should talk logistics at some point.”
Michelle: “Fish sticks??”
March 6, 2008

“Money comes and goes; I don’t like to think about what I’ve spent… it’s like sperm!”
Garth
February 29, 2008

My father: “So you are a Barack fan?”
Me: “I have a sticker on my car.”
My father: “Does it say, ‘Once you go black, you never go back’?”
Me: (blank stare)
February 8, 2008

“We’re partners… Woo hoo, we’re kicking ass… We love winning… Let’s make out.”
____________, on her chemistry with ______________
January 25, 2008

Me: “I always wonder what’s going on inside [Andrew’s] head.”
Tara: “Really? ‘Cause he speaks a lot of it a lot of the time.”
January 22, 2008

Patrick: “I’m an asshole, I know.”
Bill: “I just wanted to sop up some of your amazing sauce.”
December 31, 2007

Me: “I want to be in bed by 11:30.”
Tara: “I want to be in bed by 10:00.”
Andrew: “I plan to have you drunk by 9:00.”
December 28, 2007

“This is nice. You’re like a new car!”
Mike C________ to John, who has come to Robert Goulet’s 4th Annual Holiday Sweater Bonanza wrapped in a large red bow
December 15, 2007

“It’s supposed to be like a Sex and the City-type thing. I don’t really know how it works…”
Lacy on her friend’s gluten-free blog
December 7, 2007

“I would definitely pull out and put it on her glasses.”
John on Lisa Loeb
December 6, 2007

“_________ is, like, so un-photogenic! (pause) And bad-looking in person.”
Katie
November 24, 2007

“Is it bad that I have my entire body up on this table?”
Holly is making herself very comfortable at the Pour House
November 17, 2007

Holly: (poking me with chopsticks) “What if this was the way that we had to, like, always touch each other?”
November 10, 2007

Me: “How’s Peter?”
Rose: “How’s Peter? My brother? Engaged. Engaged at 24, that’s what he is.”
November 10, 2007

Me: (examining Jim’s “Beaker” costume) “Did you make that? It’s awesome.”
Jim: “I’m at Michaels all the time, what else am I supposed to do?”
October 31, 2007

“You said I wasn’t gifted and talented? I was gifted enough to fuck a man from Harvard, so FUCK YOU!”
Rose
October 26, 2007

“Aww… you’re not going to die alone! You’re going to die with Toby!”
Noelle
October 17, 2007

“It was my matrimonial glow! I was losing my virginity for three weeks!”
Rose on why she looked so sexy at Sangria Sunday
October 11, 2007

“I don’t care how old I am, I throw up every Christmast Eve! In anticipation of Santa.”
Michelle
September 30, 2007

“I’m nice enough to people that are hitting my prostate, but that doesn’t mean I want to introduce them to all of my friends and make them like him.”
Matthew
September 30, 2007

“He was just young, dumb, and full of… (long pause) cum. (pause) In my ass.”
____________
September 30, 2007

“It looks like you’re the 13-year-old trenchcoat-wearing team! The sun is dead!”
Ginny examines our new flag
August 30, 2007

“Who the fuck eats plantains? I still don’t understand that. They’re not bananas, nobody knows what they are…”
Andrew
August 5, 2007

“High standards? That’s not high standards! High standards is when you make him come find you at McDonald’s at lunch and do you over the toilet!”
Matthew, after ________ complained that _________ constantly demands sex both night and day
August 3, 2007

“His balls aren’t even sensitive… You might as well be licking his wallet!”
____________
July 20, 2007

“________ and I both decided we’re infertile… I’ve had so many close calls!”
____________
July 18, 2007

“I wrote the rules to this game! And I have to move to Florida because of it!”
Matthew, during a heated flip-cup argument
July 18, 2007

David: “Did you know Bush was in Parma?”
Rose: “Parma?? I dated a boy from Parma!”
David: “You dated a boy from everywhere.”
June 10, 2007

“I just can’t go anywhere else — no one would understand me!”
Lacy gives in
July 3, 2007

(Bill has just told the story of a foursome he was involved in over the weekend)
Matt: “Do I have to take you for a penicillin shot, Bill?”
Bill: “I’ve already had one.”
June 29, 2007

“You could not be more tense if I was trying to put a dildo in your ass.”
Matthew gives Brandon a pep talk
June 16, 2007

Matt: “Couldn’t get a regular room?”
Rose: “I’m getting married! I’m going to lose my virginity…”
May 31, 2007

“What’s wrong with things that taste good? If that makes me gay, then I’m gay as hell.”
Brandon
May 28, 2007

“You can’t taste anything! You were born on bread and… raised on Chef Boyardee, and I make sentences.”
Matt
May 28, 2007

“Oh, I’ll give him a hard-on, don’t worry — no challenge over there!”
Rose
May 19, 2007

“Why does every gay guy say they’re a bottom?”
Alan
May 6, 2007

Matt: “Why are there so many bags back here?”
_______: “‘Cause I had to buy _______’s stupid whore sister a fucking engagement present…”
May 5, 2007

Matt: “What are you doing this weekend?”
Trini: “I’m going to the baseball game.”
Matt: “Where are you sitting?”
Trini: “The highest I go are the 200s, everybody knows that.”
April 24, 2007

“For four and a half years it was my Cheers, and now it’s the fucking Olive Garden!”
Rose is not happy with the changes being made at her bar
April 12, 2007

Matthew: “31. Wow, that’s pretty old. Does his penis still work?”
Rose: “Don’t violate him — don’t violate me! We don’t talk about that, we talk about jungle fever!”
April 12, 2007

“This is a funny story. I arrive late there, because of my Republican girlfriend…”
Toby
March 14, 2007

Rose: “I don’t like to fight!”
Trini: “I like to party! Just let me party!”
March 11, 2007

“I’m writin’ a book… It’s called ‘Put your victory in my cup and I’ll drink it.’”
Matthew
January 13, 2007

Rose: “Matt says you should shave your goatee too!”
David: “Matt also says I sounded ‘canned’ today.”
January 5, 2007

Tracy: (softly, sweetly) “Thanks for coming to my vagina!”
January 1, 2007

“You should have swallowed it all, but here’s this fucking napkin anyways!”
Bartender Will
December 3, 2006

“Don’t scare the white people, they pay my rent!”
Bartender Will
December 3, 2006

“I’m going to make a fool of myself. I’m on a loft, singing for people eating sandwiches, what do I care?”
Toby
December 2, 2006

“A designated driver, holy shit! I designated drive myself home all the time!”
Bartender Will
November 26, 2006

“It’s a free beer! You drink it fast until someone takes it away!”
Bartender Will
November 26, 2006

“I hate the morning… more than I hate sin.”
Rose P_______
November 22, 2006

David D_____: “Why are there so many packs of Parliaments on the table?”
Matthew: “Because this is heaven.”
November 9, 2006

Matthew: “Are you sure you don’t want to sit?”
Andrea: “I don’t want to sit unless it’s on your penis, Matthew.”
November 3, 2006

Peter: “He’s a Guido?”
Rose: “He’s Dominican.”
Matt: “I don’t do the DR…”
Rose: “Can’t handle it?”
Matt: “Oh, I can handle it. If I can handle Zambia, I can handle the DR… Jungle fever, you remember it?”
October 19, 2006

“I feel like those movies where the girlfriend brings home the boyfriend and the mom and dad… hate him. (pause) I guess I hate ______.”
Matthew
October 5, 2006

“I always feel like I’m corrupting him! I’m like, you’re older than I am and I know you’ve done this before!”
Sarah R______
September 3, 2006

Me: “I never knew how to pronounce it!”
Sarah R_____: “It’s ‘__________’, and she’s a big fat whore.”
September 3, 2006

Lacy: “I love JC!”
Matt: “Don’t want to kill him!”
August 31, 2006

“I should open a Soup Nazi place… I could call it ‘Cream of Some Young Guy.’ (long pause) My cream!”
Matthew
August 26, 2006

“Girls understand these things… and you!”
Izzy on me alone knowing what she meant by “full-fat Coke”
August 8, 2006

“Below the waist I find him physically cute…”
Karen Troschburgh
July 1, 2006

“Madonna and a horse! What could be better?? You fucking love me.”
Kelly has changed shirts in the middle of her shift
June 26, 2006

“I have, like, wet dreams about [Toby] being the catcher…”
Matthew
April 4, 2006

Karen: “I don’t care if he’s gay!”
Katie: “Shit… as long as he puts it in me, I don’t care where his thoughts are.”
February 4, 2006

“My net is infinitely large!”
Karen Troschburgh
February 3, 2006

“We [women] are so powerful… There are guys I went out with three years ago that I could call right now…”
Rose
January 25, 2006

“So apparently last night… I sent a mass text message… to various lovers… it said, ‘You must love me.’”
Matthew
January 20, 2006

“I don’t do physical activity, aside from hooking up and walking…”
Mumi
December 17, 2005

“I’ve had that happen to me, but I’ve never been having sex at such an intensity that it ripped…”
Kellie
December 9, 2005

“She lives in this house with a dirty Mexican that broke the internet by spilling tequila on the router…”
Karen
December 3, 2005

Me: “Did you ever read the Ramona books?”
Katie: “I thought only girls read Ramona…”
Toby: “I read Ramona!”
November 22, 2005

Me: “Does [your sister] love Jesus?”
Karen: “Yeah, she does, actually… She LOVES God… I don’t know where she got that from.”
November 21, 2005

Matthew: (yelling out the window of the vehicle) “STOP BEING GAY AND HOLDING HANDS!” (back to the phone) “Sorry… I had to yell at some homos whose love was annoying me.”
November 20, 2005

“He would hate hanging out with our friends… We get wasted and do stupid things, like crash cars.”
Matthew evaluates a potential suitor
November 19, 2005

Matthew: “I had to slow dance with a girl, for the first time since—”
Rose: “Did you get a hard-on??”
November 3, 2005

(A car with loud speakers drives by in Adams Morgan)
Guy: “SHUT THE FUCK UP!" (quietly, to himself) “Leave me the fuck alone…”
Girl: “Why, ‘cause you’re so hot?”
Guy: “Basically…”
November 3, 2005

(A conversation about interns is underway)
Bartender Jess: “Oh, those are fun! I did one of those over the summer!”
October 28, 2005

“Wait, you talk instead of write now??”
Andrea to David
October 27, 2005

“I’m a little bit drunk as fuck…”
K-Watt brings it at the Drag Races
October 25, 2005

Matthew: “Last night, I didn’t get drunk… I only had, like, eight or nine beers…”
Me: (Laughter)
Matthew: (Pause) “Yeah, that does sound bad…”
October 14, 2005

“The timing of his visit tonight couldn’t be better… except for this Jewish holiday…”
Professor Wang introduces a guest speaker
October 12, 2005

“Sorry I haven’t called you back in… weeks. It’s been one of those… bunches of weeks. You know.”
Voice mail from Peter
October 11, 2005

Overheard at the University of Maryland:
“Most people don’t know what all the letters mean. Reserved… seating… very promptly? (pause) Most people don’t know what it really means.”
( October 10, 2005

“I work on the Hill! I have a job and self esteem!”
Matthew mocks
September 27, 2005

“You gotta say, ‘Motherfucker, I need prenup, bitch!’”
Carmel informs
September 11, 2005

“Mom, here’s my emergency preparedness kit for when I fucking come on myself while I’m asleep…”
M. Slutsky during a homeland security discussion at Mark’s
September 4, 2005

“Guns used to jam all the time!”
Katie
August 4, 2005

“I never realized this would be so attractive to gay men!”
Katie as JR’s sings along to “Grease”
August 1, 2005

“You can’t compete one-on-one, Bill! You’re a nice guy, but Matt’s a professional unemployed alcoholic!”
Carter on flip-cup prowess
July 25, 2005

Karen: “He’s got the handcuffs out already—”
Katie: “For sex?”
Karen: “I’m sure!”
July 22, 2005

“Well, as you can see, my social stimulant is running down.”
Tom Rafferty makes a graceful exit
June 24, 2005

Overheard on Pride weekend:
“He’s so great, he could suck the life out of the sun!”
( June 11, 2005

“I would lick the Cheetos off my own body!”
Jenn
May 30, 2005

“Here comes Condescending Bryan! Here he is! I was wondering when he was going to get here! ‘OK, Matthew…’”
Matthew
May 13, 2005

(Katie returns from one of many trips to the bathroom)
Bryan: “Uh, your nose is bleeding…”
Katie: “Rusty pipes!”
May 13, 2005

(“Omaha” begins to play on the jukebox)
Sean: “Counting Crows!”
Matthew: “OH MY GOD! Terri Schiavo, you’re so smart! And with a feeding tube in your mouth!”
May 13, 2005

(Matthew has placed his glowing phone between his legs)
Matthew: “I’ve got my landing strip on to guide you in!”
Katie: “I have one of those, too!”
May 13, 2005

(And later)
Matthew: “We’re talking about landing strips. Mine lights up… Katie shaves hers.”
Katie: “I can hear you! I’m RIGHT HERE!”
May 13, 2005

“What’s the spice in this? Is it poop??”
Toby does not trust Morningstar’s new honey mustard chicken fingers
May 9, 2005

Overheard at Panera Bread in Tysons Corner:
“Could I get a… half-and-half… whatever?”
Girlfriend has clearly not mastered You Pick Two
May 8, 2005

Overheard at Caribou Coffee in Adams Morgan:
Employee #1: “When they bringin’ back Dave Chappelle’s show?”
Employee #2: “I heard they shut that down.”
Employee #1: “Why would they do that?! I’m-a start a riot… like Martin Luther King!”
May 7, 2005

(Surfer Brian and Amanda hurry upstairs after making very brief introductions)
Bryan: “Peace the fuck out, guys!”
Amanda: (from the top of the stairs) “We’ll come down!”
Matthew: “You’ll come down when you’re sopping in his cum!”
May 6, 2005

“Bryan’s talking about the floppy disk drive on my computer!”
Toby willfully misinterprets my innuendo on the topic of “putting it in” him
May 5, 2005

“Uh, the sex wasn’t good and I didn’t love you…”
Sheryll recalls her response to her ex-boyfriend’s inquiry about “what went wrong” between them
April 29, 2005

“You look like the kids in the hospice with cancer that get taken out for their birthday, like, two weeks before they die.”
Mattie B to Matthew, who is celebrating his birthday on the roof deck wrapped in robes and blankets
April 27, 2005

“He just had surgery last week… I’m trying not to make fun of him…”
Matthew on Andy’s lack of tonsils and uvula
April 27, 2005

“Hey Bryan, this is Pete — I was just calling to let you know that it’s 10:30 here, which means it’s 11:30 where you are, which means you’re a vagina, and it’s too fucking early to go to bed… UNLESS you’re out drinking, and I think that maybe you are because in your message you were whispering, and whenever you whisper it means you’re drunk. So, I hope you’re having a good time.”
Peter
April 27, 2005

Professor: “What’s the name of the disease that Reagan had?”
Student: “Republicanism?”
March 28, 2005

Matthew: “Are you OK? Did you blow out your O-ring?”
Pete: “O-ring? What’s an O-ring?”
Matthew: “The thing I stretch out every night…”
March 25, 2005

“There were lots of kids there, and they were so… sticky… So that was not my favorite part.”
Jenn on the circus
March 24, 2005

“Why can’t I have everything I want all the time??”
The torment of K. Watson
March 19, 2005

“At least I can feel it…”
Tracy as she fucks Matthew’s railing
March 6, 2005

“Is it bad that I would want to be Jean Gray…?”
Matthew on playing X-Men
February 18, 2005

“You’re very drunk and sexy!”
Tracy to me
February 4, 2005

“Oh, I found your ‘goodie bag.’ It’s not that bad — just, like, condoms and lube and stuff…”
Toby to Matthew
January 22, 2005

Matthew: “Wanna talk about my balls?”
Me: “What, are they very tender?”
Matthew: “No, actually they’re pretty drained.”
January 20, 2005

“I ate a Lean Cuisine for lunch, and I’m still fat… why??”
Matthew
January 19, 2005

“You’ll become very culturally sensitive when you live here…” (chuckles)
Matthew to new arrival Toby
January 15, 2005

“I don’t care about safety! You’re gonna rape me? Go ahead, rape me!”
Sheryll on choosing a neighborhood
January 14, 2005

“I honestly do not have sex with gay men… anymore.”
Sheryll
January 14, 2005

Toby: “Are you supposed to feel him kicking around in your mouth?”
Matthew: (high-pitched baby Jesus voice) “I’m not dead!” (normal voice) “We know, Jesus…”
January 12, 2005

“It was so hot [in the movie theater]… It was like, ‘Wow, it’s really like Rwanda in here!’”
Ilene
January 9, 2005

“…they’re very handsome kids, though — pedophiles will love them.”
Crazy Pete, referring to his future children
January 8, 2005

“Is that little ethnic girl back? I’m gonna have to kill her.”
Rose
January 8, 2005

“I don’t know what’s happening between me and _____ , but we are having sex twelve times.”
Matthew, arms full of KY and Magnums
January 4, 2005

(Katie has picked up a bottle of tonic and is playing with it)
Matthew: “What, are you gonna drink some Canada Dry?”
Katie: “No, I’m gonna fuck you up with some Canada Dry.”
(very long pause)
Matthew: “Apparently you haven’t seen ____’s dick.”
January 1, 2005

(a lecture about the homos walking by on 17th Street is wrapping up)
Matthew: “…no, Adam — they’re not women.”
Me: (trying to enter the conversation) “What?”
Matthew: (rolls eyes) “Nothing.” (to Adam) “Bryan’s a woman.”
January 1, 2005

“I’m not giving him blowjobs anymore, because it hurts my jaw. And we’re not dating anymore, so I don’t have to.”
Kellie
January 1, 2005

“I think Estee Lauder’s tacky and I wouldn’t touch it with a ten-foot pole… but I’m glad you like it.”
Matthew to Kellie
December 30, 2004

“Who here at the table’s been fisted? Raise your hand!”
Tracy (nervous laughter; ______ fails to raise her hand)
December 30, 2004

“Kellie, put your phone in your twat — I’m going to call you!”
Matthew during a heated game of “Make Your Friend Vibrate”
December 30, 2004

“He said, ‘Do you want some KY Jelly?’ and I said, ‘No, I want you to work for it.”
Kellie on her boyfriend’s single attempt to introduce an artificial lubricant into their relationship
December 30, 2004

“Only certain burners work…” (whispering) “…because I spilled bacon grease on it!”
Matthew
December 29, 2004

“I want to be like Rose… but not psycho, like how ______ wants to be like Rose…”
Tracy
December 10, 2004

“Yeah, I never heard from any investigator… I don’t know what that’s all about. I guess I just live too far away, and national security is only a priority when it’s convenient.”
Peter
December 8, 2004

“Remember when we used to not have a lot in common? I was fat, you were a homosexual…”
Cousin Alex
November 25, 2004

“I’d rather taste dick than latex… if I was a girl.”
Brad
May 7, 2004

“They’re girls’ pants… they fit the best on my fuckin’ voluptuous hips.”
Ben Kweller, onstage in Cleveland
March 31, 2004